RUN.

Monday, May 2

5:00:00 PM ●

I've come to some conclusions in my time. Im a grown-up person, I've been an adult longer than I've been a child :) I've looked at the world. my conclusions may not be blindingly original, but they're still mine.

For instance, im suspicious of people comparing things with other things. In the days when I was more impressed with MY FRIEND, I used to think that this mania of her proved she had not just better powers of description than I had, but also a better understanding of the world. The memory is like a left-luggage office. Love is like the free market. so-and-so is behaving just like some character you've never heard of in some opera you've never heard of. Now I think all these fancy comparisons were a way of not looking at the original object, of not looking at the world. They were just distractions. and this is why SHE hasn't changed - developed - grown up - call it what ever you will. Because it's only by looking at the world out there as it is and the world is here as it is that you grown up.

I dont mean that you like what you find, or what you find is what you want. Usually, it isn't. But SHE just makes pretty patterns in the airlike - You see how tempting it is? I was going to say like a firework or something. and you might have thought: oh, that's right, but you'd be thinking about the firework and I bet that's what you'd remember rather the SHE herself. And if it was SHE doing the comparison, everyone would be different kinds of firework - oh, pen, old pen., she's a bit of a dam squib, hoho - and it would all be very entertaiing and very... WRONG.

I said that what you find isn't necessarily what you want. Let's take love. It isn't like we thought it would be beforehand.Can we all agree on that? Better, worse, longer, shorter, overrated, underrated, but not the same.Also, different for different people. But that's something you only learn slowly: what love is like for you. How much of it youve got. what youll give up for it. How it lives. How it dies. I used to have a theory called LOVE: ETC: in other words, the world divides into people for whom love is everything and the rest of life is a mere *etc*, and people who don't value love enoough and find the most exciting part of life is the *etc*. People don't divide up the way.

And another thing. Beforehand, you think: when i grow up i'll love someone, and i hope it goes right, but if it goes wrong i'll love another person., and if that goes wrong i'll love another person. Always assuming that you can findthese people in the first placeand that they'll let you lovethem. What you expect is that love, or the ability to love, is always there, waiting. I was going to say, waiting with the engine running. You see the temptation of I-speak? :) But I dont think that love- and life - are like that. You cant make yourself love someone, and you cant, in my experience, make yourself stop loving someone. In fact, if suggest doing it this way :some people are fortunate, or unfortunate, enough to be able to love only once in their life. They love once and , whatever happens, it doesn't go away. Some people can only do it once. Ive come to realise that Im one of these : (

Monday, May 2

5:00:00 PM ●